We’re all a little RAD!

Reactive Attachment Disorder and the Path to Love.

For some time now, I’ve been interested in Reactive Attachment Disorder~or RAD for short.

I first came across this term many years ago, when I took my son (then a toddler) to a child therapist. I’d previously asked our health visitor to observe him and had spoken to my doctor several times about how challenging his behaviour was.

After a long wait, we were incredibly fortunate to be given appointments with one of the leading child therapists in our area.

His name was James.

I saw him with my son regularly at his office over a number of months, and he also visited us at home to observe.

To cut a long story short, James concluded that there wasn’t a specific diagnosis or label he would assign to my son. He told me that everything I had done~and was continuing to do~couldn’t be faulted. However, the one thing he did flag was the possible presence of a mild form of RAD.

He explained that RAD typically affects children from very difficult early circumstances~those who have experienced severe neglect, trauma, abuse, foster care, or adoption. As a result, these children often lack a sense of safety and trust in their caregivers~and in the world.

The severity of the child’s early trauma generally determines the intensity of their behaviours. Without adequate help, many go on to experience significant challenges in adult relationships: difficulty trusting others, emotional outbursts, paranoia, and even destructive behaviours~even when surrounded by people who are deeply loving and trustworthy.

James shared that a child with RAD could be adopted by the most caring and supportive family, yet still behave with suspicion, distrust, and anger. These reactions can feel completely baffling to families who offer only love~yet are met with resistance, withdrawal, and/or aggression.

What I’ve come to understand is this:

Even the slightest correction, such as mild discipline or being told they’ve done something wrong, can trigger a RAD-affected child into feeling unsafe. They may lash out, shut down, run away, or become destructive. Some feel a compulsive need to hurt or manipulate others before they themselves get hurt or abandoned.

When RAD is explained this way, the behaviours start to make more sense.

In our case, my son wasn’t adopted, abused, or neglected. In fact, he was (and is) a very much planned for, wanted and deeply loved child. However, he was born prematurely with an underdeveloped oesophagus and a condition called silent reflux~ this caused intense internal pain as acid would burn his insides.

I was at the hospital with him more times than I can count, desperately trying to find answers to help him. He screamed in pain constantly, and I was terrified and exhausted.

James explained that even though I was doing everything possible to help my son, he didn’t know that~not as a baby. All he experienced was pain and the lack of relief. In his tiny world, he didn’t feel safe. He didn’t feel helped. And this may have formed the early root of distrust and hypervigilance~hallmarks of RAD.

Today, my son is older and doing really well. Over the years, I’ve researched RAD in depth and have poured immense energy and love into helping him feel safe, seen, and secure.

He still presents some minor traits of RAD, but I’ve been told that if I hadn’t responded the way I did, his condition might have been far more serious—and he may have even been offered medication.

A Wider Lens: Is RAD More Common Than We Think?

What struck me recently is this:

If a loved, wanted, and cared-for child like mine could develop elements of RAD due to early pain and a lack of felt safety~

Could it be that a large portion of humanity carries some degree of RAD, too?

We tend to associate RAD with extreme cases. But what if many people, to varying degrees, carry unhealed attachment wounds that never got seen or named?

We often see similar patterns in abusive or volatile adult relationships. Frequently, the partner who lashes out is the one who doesn’t fully trust the love being offered. They might become suspicious, controlling, paranoid, or even sabotage the relationship entirely~ leaving the other person confused and heartbroken.

Why would someone destroy a beautiful connection?

Because on a deep, subconscious level, they may not feel safe.

“I’ll ruin this before it’s taken from me.”

“I’ll hurt you before you hurt me.”

How Does This Relate to Self-Realisation?

From the lens of spiritual awakening, a person with reactive attachment tendencies is simply holding untrue beliefs~beliefs formed through painful conditioning.

These beliefs may sound like:

• “I can’t trust anyone.”

• “Love always leaves.”

• “If I open up, I’ll get hurt.”

• “I’m not safe.”

As one begins to open to their True Nature, these beliefs are gradually seen for what they are: not truths, but protective patterns born in early life. Ego creates an identity to protect the self, interpreting even small emotional discomforts as potential threats.

This leads to reactivity, defensiveness, and pain~not just for the self, but for others, too.

Perhaps you’ve noticed a version of this pattern in yourself or someone close to you?

Ultimately, this is the self harming the self through fear.

But the good news is: it doesn’t have to stay that way.

As we begin to see through the lens of awareness and presence, the grip of these conditioned beliefs softens. We begin to trust life again. We become more available to love~and to be loved.

This is the greatest gift we can give ourselves.

Relationships begin to heal and deepen.

Life becomes more tender, more joyful, more alive.

But this path takes courage.

A desire to change.

A willingness to trust.

A commitment to love and peace~and to receiving that love and peace in return.

It takes a leap of faith into the unknown.

But it is absolutely possible.

And it is ours for the taking.

🏄

Also see AWAKENED PARENTING

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