TO THOSE IN CRISIS.

To those who turn to me in crisis…

I don’t know how to take your pain away.

I don’t know how to heal you.

I can’t remove your loneliness, your heartache.

I have experienced it all myself.

And I have never found a way to remove them.

I know the gut wrenching ache of confusion.

The sickening depth of loneliness.

The crunch of terror writhing from the top of my head to the tips of my toes.

I tried to remove it for years.

Partying, drink and drugs.

That didn’t help.

I tried this and a myriad of other ‘solutions’.

Fairytale romance was the biggest addiction for me. Perhaps yours is something else, no less than the other however.

A way to run away from the self, even for a moment.

Self help, buddhism, religion, conspiracy, hypnosis, spirituality... Hope after hope after hope that something would fix me.

That I could remove the flaws and yuck from my skin and core.

I tried every therapy, tried to medicate and meditate it away. Made a ton of money working myself into the ground, had a lavish wedding.

Perhaps then I’d love me ~ perhaps then you’d love me.

I know the flash of dark thoughts, the ache to cut…

To feel something other than this. The strength it takes to not go there when every emotional pull is begging for the opposite.

Keep going just for this next moment, and the next moment ~ I’d plead with myself. Waking in sweats and terror.

Until it was seen that life was putting any barrier up in front of me to STOP.

To just STOP.

Sheer fatigue ~ Illness ~ a love that was not what I’d dreamed it to be.

It was only then that true healing could happen.

I turned to ME.

All the flaws, the scars, the pain, the faults, the shame, the guilt, the sadness.

It was all looking for ME.

STOP.

Come this way.

Come home.

Darling one.

Face me. Look at me. Hold me. Love me.

This small frightened child inside. Looking out ‘there’ for the love that was already here.

Only then did change happen. In seeing that there was nothing to change. Nothing to fix.

A love opened wide.

A love that was always already here.

Blinded by belief.

Beyond belief.

I was and am perfect exactly as I am.

Only then did a dissolving into all that IS happen.

On finding this, there was and is also then a seeing of this love for you too ~ one that cannot be put into words.

The love I have for you cannot be measured.

It is infinitely so.

I love you.

I see you.

More than you could ever believe from the mind.

If I could fix you, I would do it in a heartbeat.

I know appeasing you is fruitless.

I know giving you false hope and allowing you to use me, to abuse me ~ it doesn’t serve you my friend.

I found the Love and Peace that I was running from right here.

In the depths of my own despair.

I allowed loneliness to sit with me whilst I ate a sandwich at the park bench.

I befriended fear.

I have danced with the devil.

Tears flow here where they were once suppressed, hidden and wiped away in shame.

And if you turn my way, I hold your hand but only when YOU are ready.

I have no interest in fixing you.

I trust you to see for yourself who YOU truly are.

I am not here to force you.

There is zero interest in that.

I accept you exactly as you are.

I see your divinity.

I see mine.

You are me.

I am you.

❤️

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